Jiffy ToPLe Live

The following is the continuation of the series in which I interview staff members of Topsham Public Library.

The scene: standing room only at the Orion Performing Arts Center. Brass band playing, crowd clapping, whistling, and screaming. The excitement is electrifying as the audience is waiting the beginning of Jiffy ToPLe Live – the late night talk show hosted by Topsham’s one and only Jiffy ToPLe. Let’s join them now as Jiffy has walked on stage.

Applause“Welcome! Welcome! It’s great to see you all here! Wow! We’ve got a great crowd tonight! You guys look fantastic! You sir, yes you, in the front row with the overalls – welcome! You are looking especially lively! What’s your name? Ed? Well hello, Ed. Where are you from? You just moved up from New York! Wow. Really!? That is quite the change of pace. Well, we’re glad you’re here.”

“Let me tell you about tonight’s show, folks. We’ve got some great people lined up for you! All the way from England, ladies and gentlemen, Dame Maggie Smith is joining us! I know, I know! You’re glad you paid the outrageous prices for those tickets now, aren’t you? Also on board is Carol Burnett – truly America’s first lady of comedy! But to start us off, we welcome for the first time to our show, our very own local funny man and librarian, Dave Mosley!”

Audience goes wild.

“Calm down! Calm down! Before Dave comes out here let me ask you a question. Ready? No, no that’s not the question, smart aleck. Here goes: why didn’t the thief rob the library? Because he was afraid the judge would give him a long sentence!”

Audience groans.

“Okay, okay. How’s this one: Why did the librarian slip and fall in the library? Because she wandered into the non-friction section!”



Audience groans, and a few angry shouts are heard.


“Oh, alright. Let’s get started! With no further adieu, ladies and gentlemen, Daaaaave Mooooselyyyyyyy!”

Brass band plays, crowd whistles, screams and goes wild!

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Dave, in casual sweater, jeans, and sneakers (Dave is not one for dress shoes) appears onstage, shakes hands with Jiffy and takes his seat in the red chair.



“Welcome, welcome!” Jiffy says.

“Thank you. Wow. This is great!” Dave responds, nodding at the audience. Jiffy and Dave smile at each other and look at the audience as they wait for the crowd to calm down.

“It’s nice to finally meet you! I’ve really been looking forward to a one-on-one with you since you have settled here in Topsham and now, you are working at Topsham Public Library. And we will get right to it after this from your local sponsors!” Jiffy says.


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“Welcome back, Everyone! Let’s get right to it, Dave. You are living in Topsham now, but where do you hail from originally?”

“Well, Jiffy, I’m not a Topsham native, but I was raised here in Maine in a little town northwest of here – Norway.”

“So, you work at Topsham Public Library. You must love books, then. Tell me, what are some of your favorite books?”

“Oh, that’s such a hard question. I do love reading. Okay, my favorite books. Let me see. I will say, my first favorite book that I remember is Horton Hears a Who! by Dr. Seuss, but the book that changed the way I read is The Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy.”

“Now, Dave,” Jiffy says, “I have done my research, and your co-workers tell me, you never stop. That you are always on the go. What is up with that?”

skilodgeDave rolls his eyes, and smirks, “When something needs to be done, there’s no sense in waiting around, I just have to get it done. I will tell you, however, if you ever go skiing, I will be the guy in the lodge with my eReader in one hand and a beverage in another. I do like my down time. I like canoeing (at this Jiffy looks to the audience with a “can we imagine Dave in a canoe?” kind of look) more than biking, I would rather take in a hockey game than a football game, but I prefer a night in to a night out.”

“I’ve also heard you’re quite the foodie,” Jiffy says.

“Well, obviously. I would much rather cook than clean any day, and tell me, who doesn’t like good food?”

“I’ve heard you know how to throw a dinner party,” Jiffy says with a wink.

“There’s really nothing to it – good food, good times. I’m actually hosting a little after party tonight. Carol and Maggie are coming, you should come by too.”

“I’d LOVE to! I’ll be there! Who else is coming?” Jiffy asks.

“Well, Dame Judi Dench, Ina Garten, Julianna Margulies, Sarah Lancashire, Trevor Eve, and Sue Johnston. I would have loved to have had dinner with Margaret Chase Smith, but death got in the way of that. And I did invite Graham Norton but, well, he was a little upset when I told him I was doing your show tonight, so he said maybe another time.”

“Graham hasn’t forgiven me for the Daniel Craig incident,” Jiffy explained, “Two Dames on your guest list – you really are something! So, tell me Dave, I hear you have your next cruise lined up.”

“Yes, this fall. We are heading out again. We really like cruising. We took a cruise to Norway once and loved it. The fjords are just breathtaking. Of all the places I’ve been I would say Norway and New Zealand are my favorites. I would return to New Zealand in a heart beat.”

“And we’ll be right back for more with Dave, after these words from our local sponsors,”Jiffy says.


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Audience applauds and Jiffy says, “Welcome back. If you are just joining us, I have the privilege of talking with Dave. So Dave, evidently America cannot get enough of the superhero movie. Which do you prefer, DC or Marvel?”

“I’m more of a Marvel man, myself,” Dave answers, “and I will tell you, if I had a superpower I would rather be invisible than be able to read minds. And I’d rather be a dragon than have a dragon. Jiffy, you mentioned Daniel earlier. I do like the James Bond series and Matt Damon in the Bourne movies. Those are really well done.”

“Dave, can I just say it’s been a pleasure to have you on this show. Really! Please do say you will come back, right, ladies and gentlemen?” Jiffy asks.

Audience goes wild.

“Next up, Dame Maggie Smith will join us and discuss the ending of one of our favorite’s Downton Abbey.”

As an aside, Jiffy says to Dave, “I hear from the crew, Maggie’s not too happy to be upstaged by someone such as yourself. She said, ‘It always happens when you give these little people power, it goes to their heads like strong drink,’ so you might want to sit her at the other end of your table tonight. Just a friendly warning, old chap.”

Audience applauds, Dave waves and exits.

“When we return, ladies and gentlemen, Dame Maggie Smith  and all her wit will join us, but right now another word from our local sponsors.”


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We don’t bother watching the rest of the show as Dave is the brightest star in our books.

Disclaimer: the jokes are not my own.